Comment Wall
My portfolio can be found here.
Let me know what you think! I am a hopeless romantic that likes to find meanings in everything, so I based my blog on life lessons that I found in the stories while also including some sappy love twists along the way. Everyone needs some lessons and love, right?
Let me know what you think! I am a hopeless romantic that likes to find meanings in everything, so I based my blog on life lessons that I found in the stories while also including some sappy love twists along the way. Everyone needs some lessons and love, right?
(Love growing, Pixabay)
Hey Cheyanne! I liked the picture you posted of the lioness. I also like your blog. That was a good observation you made about their being all male characters in the original story. I never thought about that. I also like how you added a lioness and how she reacted when she found out the rabbit told everyone there was an earthquake. I thought she was going to get angry at the rabbit for causing such a scare.The rabbit was just nervous and scared. I'm wondering why the monkey didn't have to face any consequences for scaring the rabbit? Was the rabbit's brother teasing him? What happened to his brother? I think it would be helpful if you gave the rabbit a name since instead of calling him "the rabbit" since there is more than one rabbit in the story. I like that you changed the story's title from foolish to naive cause the rabbit was just being cautious, not foolish.
ReplyDeleteHi Cheyanne! First and foremost, I love your overall idea for your storybook! I think that the topic you chose will be easy to write about, but you will also have the ability to get really creative with your writing. The Ramayana thus far has had a tremendous amount of life lessons that you can recreate and enhance. I do think, however, your page could become two-sided and not flow since you are focusing on two different topics. I think it would be good if, eventually, you narrow down your stories to ones that include love but ALSO teach an important lesson. I spent a lot of time reading your star-crossed lovers story. You have excellent writing abilities! Your imagery and colorful language made the story enjoyable to read. I felt like I was in the middle of the action and watching the story unfold! Be careful to not cloud down your plot with too much colorful language, because we do want to get down to the meat of the message since that is your focus for your storybook. Overall, great job!
ReplyDeleteI agree that "foolish" is a strong word, and they probably used it so willingly because he incited panic in so many other creatures. Still, I agree that "naive" is a better fit. I also like the subtle but impactful switch from lion to lioness. The stories we've read seem male-dominated, as many epics/ancient stories tend to be, and it's always nice to change things up by using a gender swap. I liked the contrast between the lesson of the rabbit and the love between Sita and Rama in the next story. I like the Italian feel of the storytelling, but I think it would be interesting to have a bit more of the time element of the setting in place - is this the past, future, present? Great work! Your writing is easy to read, and I look forward to following your progress throughout the semester.
ReplyDeleteHello! To start, I liked your topic choice for your portfolio - I think you'll be able to easily fill your site with stories of life lessons from the epics, many of which incorporate love. Maybe you could set it up so each story was telling a particular lesson, even if the story was set as a love story. Your writing really painted a picture for me, both in your rabbit story and the story of Rama and Sita meeting. I wonder if you could create more stories set in Shakespeare style, retelling the stories of the Ramayana in the Renaissance era. I often thought that parts of the Ramayana were so dramatic that they could easily fit into a soap opera, but this would also translate to a Shakespeare tragedy! Be careful with your tenses in your story because it can be easy to accidentally switch between them, but overall really great work and I look forward to seeing what else you come up with!
ReplyDeleteHey Cheyanne. I like the concept of your portfolio. Life lessons are often painful to obtain, so reading about them can be a great way to learn. Your current banner is a little small and the original image is beautiful. It would be nice to see some readjustments there. Having a link to your blog on your home page is extremely useful, well done. The Ramayana is full of life lessons, so it should be easy to pull some great ideas from the stories. For your first story “Lesson 1: Think Before You Act”, it is great. I also enjoyed the pictures you chose, it does help me imagine the story more vividly. As for the sex change, I never really thought of the animals’ sex in the original. It is a fine change, and your reasoning is sound. You have a great writing style and I look forward to reading more of your work.
ReplyDeleteHi Cheyanne great job on your Star-Crossed Lovers story. I like how you are tying in life lessons in each of your stories. It makes it interesting to read because there is a lot more sustenance to each of the stories. Your choice of settings in Italy is very symbolic and creates a feeling of love between Rama and Sita even though they have a very limited interaction in your story. Your use of descriptive words to set up your story also makes the stories feel a lot more real and it almost seems like I am Italy with them. I hope that you continue with each of these life lessons because it creates a lot deeper meaning in each of the stories. Great job I look forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteHey Cheyanne!
ReplyDeleteAMAZING! I loved reading through "Lesson 1: Think Before You Act." You kept the story fairly similar to the original story, which was great. My favorite part was your introduction. I loved how it immediately captures the reader's attention and makes them want more. I honestly could not find anything that you could add to improve your story. I found absolutely no grammatical errors either, and believe me I looked carefully. The smart thinking of females showed through your lioness, loved that you chose to go with a lioness instead of the lion. If you choose to add more to the story you could continue along the lines of the rabbit learning more lessons from the lioness, the rabbit travels and stays near the lions...
Overall, your story was flawless and the website is great!
Hey Cheyenne!
ReplyDeleteI am a hopeless romantic too. I clicked on your story because I was intrigued from your title. I love the "a few love stories, a few lessons." It sums everything up about your site wonderfully in just a few words. I also like how you have Lessons as one of your titles. It is a nice concept! I like how you retold the story in "Lesson 1: Think Before You Act." I love how you included dialogue in the story. It gives character! In "Star-Crossed Lovers", I like how the story takes place in Verona. It definitely goes with your title and theme. I love how you told the story of when Sita and Rama first met eyes. It is such a romantic encounter! I look forward to reading!
Hey Cheyanne! I really like the pictures that you posted on for each part of the story! That gives me ideas for how I want to do my blog too! One thing I really appreciate is for your second story you went along the lines of the Romeo and Juliet story and that is really neat! I think that combining Western literature and eastern ones show strong parallel between what the two things have in common! One thing that I was wondering throughout the story was why the characters in the story of the rabbit were scared and why he was being teased. Perhaps some background story into the feelings of the animals would draw the readers into it and make the story a lot more immersive! There seems to be so much background stuff that could be dug into and that is something that I am looking forward to reading as you update your stories!
ReplyDeleteHey Cheyenne! Awesome story! A lot of people have rewritten this particular story, but you still made me feel like it was the first time I read it. I love that you added the element of the older brother into your story. I wonder if the brother really thought the earth had swallowed animals in the past or if he was just trying to scare his brother? I also thought it was a great twist that the monkey was intentionally trying to scare the rabbit. I wonder if the lioness had anything to say to the monkey about that? I really enjoyed your use of repetition. However, I do think you could take out maybe one or two "quivered"s. I like the repeated use of the adjective, but it got a little redundant. I LOVED the "the earth is quaking! The earth is breaking!" line that you had in your story. That felt like a line straight out of a children's book. Really nicely done.
ReplyDeleteHi Cheyanne! First of all, I really like the banner images you chose for your different tabs and how each picture depicts what the general theme of the story. Maybe you could add little summaries of what each story will be about as you add them on the home page so readers can get a little sneak peak of what they’re about to read or if readers don’t have time to read all of the stories, they can select one that sounds interesting from your summaries. I like the idea behind your storybook. I have actually read your first and second story before and I really enjoyed them both! My comments haven’t really changed from when I commented on them the first time but I like the edits you have made! I also like the dialogue in both stories. I look forward to reading more of your stories in the future, keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteHi Cheyanne! First things first, wow I love the layout of your site! Everything looks really great and everything is super easy to follow. I loved your Think Before You Act story. As I was reading it I couldn't help but think of the chicken little story where chicken little cried that the sky was falling. You did a really wonderful job describing the events that took place in the story. I felt like I was in the story as you were describing everything. I always think that is one of the hardest things to do but you nailed it! Great job! Also, having pictures within the text helped me follow the events of the stories and helped me picture what was happening even more. I think you have done a fantastic job and I can't wait to read more stories that you have added! I wish you luck for the rest of the semester!
ReplyDeleteHi, Cheyanne! From the very beginning of your story, I was engaged. I love when an author uses a lot of rich imagery. It immediately transports you to where the story is taking place. This is so important and you are doing a great job! Also, Italy might possibly be my favorite place in the world!! So, I am totally loving this. Your exchange, though it might not have been verbal, between Rama and Sita is so heart warming. I am a sucker for a good love story and I can tell that you have a strong passion for your story. My biggest critique is that I wish it was longer! Maybe, in your next story, you can continue this dialogue and allow us to see the rest of your portrayal of their love story. Again, brava on your descriptions!! I loved getting to read this story and I look forward to what you write in the future! Keep up the good work. Jessie
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ReplyDeleteCheyenne, Last semester my Mythology and Folklore project was over love so when I saw the name of your Indian Epics project I knew I needed to read it. I like how you described Rama and Sita falling in love in your story. You were defiantly able to take the Indian Epics couple and give them a more Romeo and Juliet love affair. I also liked your third story about the lesson in closure and how you changed the ending to the story. I also did not like that the women were told to kill themselves if they could not live without their loved ones. Even though this is a common practice in Indian culture it does not give young reader the right message. I know your project is also about lesson but I it might be easier for readers if you grouped the like stories together. I was a little confused that I went from a lesson story to a love story and then back to a lesson story. Even if you created a fourth story and made it a love story to continue the pattern it makes the stories seemed unplanned. Great project. I cannot wait to see the finished project.
Hey, Cheyenne! It was so great to visit your website and see how you have used both your design and writing skills to make your website wonderful. One thing I really enjoyed is your cover photo of your website. This truly showcases what you have been learning in this course along with what your stories are about. Your cover photo really ties together your entire website and stories. One thing I really enjoyed while I was reading your stories was your use of dialogue. I really struggle with correctly using this skill, but it seems to be an area where you are very skillful. I really like how you integrated the dialogue with your other text rather than blocking it off on its own. This really helps to keep the flow going well throughout your story and makes it easier to understand.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading these stories because they were so well written. Great job!
Hi there, Cheyenne!
ReplyDeleteI want to start out by complimenting your site. You tie everything together and it is very easy to navigate which is always a plus. I also would like to let you know that just the title of your project got me excited. I love how you truly are making this your own and pulling out pieces to use in a way that fits your stories. I read your Lesson 2 story and I LOVE that you opened with dialogue. It's a great way to dive into getting to know each character. I also really liked that you changed the story and made it a little more inspirational and added meaning to the lives of those that have lost a loved one. I also love that you explained your reasoning why you decided to change the ending in such a way.
I look forward to reading your stories again! Thank you for sharing and keep up the great work.
Hi Cheyenne! I chose your storybook as my free choice because of your fun storybook title -- so good job on that. I love that your first story begins with "Lesson 1," because love always comes with lessons! On your first story, I really liked how you graced the story with a lioness and a "naive" rabbit, rather than a dumb one. This made the story a little more gentle and added a little more to the original. I agree that naive is a better term than foolish, as most foolish things aren't just dumb but actually are just naive and don't know any better, like you said in the author's note. Additionally, on your second story, great use of opening dialogue and quotes. This made me feel like I was there, even as a reader. One suggestion I could give is a possible opportunity for shadowing from the end of one story to the next. That's always intriguing, and would match your theme well. Your descriptive writing really works for you in these stories, because they exemplify that passion intended for this topic. Great job - can't wait to read more!
ReplyDeleteHey Cheyenne,
ReplyDeleteGreat work! I like how you have chosen a theme for your portfolio. Not everyone does this, but I much prefer a feeling of cohesiveness in a portfolio. Also think it is interesting that as a theme you chose lessons. I think the only hitch is that you introduce it as "lessons and love" which led me to believe that it would be lessons IN love. So I spent the first story waiting for a great love between the rabbit and an unsuspecting character ha! I then went back and reread the intro on the homepage to understand that there was no promise of love in every story.
That being said, i think what wold really step up your portfolio is to have one theme, which I think could be very easy to do. If you take your second story and just ever so slightly reframe the end to include a lesson, BOOM, you have a portfolio of lessons! Then your homepage could introduce it more as "A portfolio of lessons covering all aspects of life from trust to love."
I really like the banner image! It fits well with the idea of 'ethereal love', with the face that blends into the background and looks like it is flowing and changing. Although I'm not sure exactly how lessons and ethereal love are connected - is there meant to be, or is the project meant to have two separate themes?
ReplyDeleteIn Lesson 1, I really like the way you make use of blank lines. They separate different 'sections' of the story without giving the impression of a complete scene break or change in topic the way lines might. They also still allow for line breaks to be used with new dialogue and be clear as new paragraphs.
In Star-Crossed Lovers, the word "fidgety" doesn't seem to fit the story very well. A synonym might fit better with the story; perhaps "restless"? I think the 'Romeo and Juliet' feel to the story would flow better with a different word, since "fidgety" sounds more modern and like slang in my head.
Hi Cheyenne!
ReplyDeleteThis is the second time for me to read your stories from your project website and I think you have done a really great job. I really like how clean the design of your project is! It makes me excited to read it just based on how everything looks. I can tell that you spent some time thinking about how you wanted to lay everything out on your site. Like I said before your stories have amazing imagery in them. I feel like I am there in your story because of the awesome imagery you use. Something else that I noticed on your site was how you titled your site "thestorycorner," which I think it really unique. All I did on my portfolio site was title it Indian Epics. I think the way that you decided to end your "Lesson 2" story was really refreshing and nice. Much better ending than the original story.
Hi Cheyenne this is my second time reading your portfolio and you have done a great job adding the additional stories! I really like how you have added the stories with lessons attached to them with each story having something that can be taken away. It adds something meaningful to the stories, and it makes me feel like I have a reason to read them. The first story I read, Lesson 1, changed some from the original, but still kept to the original moral which I really liked. Lesson 2 changed less from the original, and still kept to the original which is great too. One thing I would recommend for the remaining stories is changing them a little bit more. You have done a great job with the stories so far, but I think changing them even slightly more would make them more entertaining to read. Great job on your portfolio so far!
ReplyDeleteHey Cheyenne! I really like the changes that you made to the first story. Everyone makes mistakes or gets scared and we should be humiliated for this. I noticed that the word “little” was used a lot in this story and it felt a slightly repetitive. Maybe try varying this some by using “small,” “tiny,” or another synonym. For the second story, I think you’ve done a wonderful job combining these two classic love stories. I was curious why Rama and Lakshmana were in the forest for your version. Maybe you’ll consider adding a little more backstory for them? I love that, with the final story, you’ve continued the Mahabharata. I felt the original ending was very bittersweet and a little unsatisfying. I felt that this put everything to rest and tied up all the loose ends nicely. What if the Pandavas had come back because they knew that Vidura was in poor health? I felt that this might better explain how the timing was so convenient. Vidura’s passing as soon as they showed up seemed very odd. Maybe he felt that he could finally go once everyone had said their goodbyes? Your project is looking very nice! Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHi, Cheyenne! This is the first chance I am getting to read through your portfolio and I love your stories. I really enjoyed that you embedded a video in star-crossed lovers. It was a great placement and use of a song to enhance your storyline. The stories were great but I would love if you immersed them a little more in the theme. Some of the stories seem more like retellings instead of new stories with influence from a previous story. It is super fun to read stories that really get creative, so do not be afraid to go for the new idea. I really did enjoy that they had a theme though because it makes the whole site seem to flow well. One aesthetic thing you might change, just for the overall look of your website, is to bold your authors note instead of using “**” to mark it because they seem a little messy. Overall, great job though!
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